By Jeff Altman, Big Game Hunter
For many years, a man’s role in the majority’s heterosexual culture was simple. There was a division of labor and his job was to sacrifice himself to provide for his family, help everyone else stay in safety, even by sacrificing his life and being the head of the household. He should be tough and try to have sex with any woman he got in touch with. The rules were crystal clear. Yes, there were many exceptions to this programming but these were Messages transferred to men.
For the past 25 years, I have spent a lot of time with men trying to find out what it means to be a man in modern times. The fact that there is a question speaks to the confusion for many at a time when urban women’s voices are getting high. “Boys get worse grades than girls. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 35; men also report significantly lower life satisfaction than women. According to statistics compiled by men’s health forum, men make up 76% of all suicides, 95% of the prison population and 73% of adults missing.” (Men After #MeToo: ‘There is a tale that masculinity is basic toxic’ ‘The Guardian)
So what does it mean to be a man in the 21st century?
Robert Moore’s mythopoetical model of “King, Warrior, Magician, promises” is replaced with one where there are no rules for men and they fight because many men without structure and without social significance fight through life without purpose. This leaves many of those who perform jobs and tasks that leave them in isolation and disconnected, lonely for connection.
Society has left “the good man.”
There is nothing interesting about or attention given to men who slit quietly behind the scenes that is doing what is needed. Instead, attention is given to training wrecks. As every parent knows, children seek attention in any way they can get it. In some family systems, attention comes from performance. In others, it comes from “bad behavior” in its many forms.
The other model that seems appreciated is Explorer – the one who tries to build or create something new. In the 19th century, they developed into robbery barons. Today we have people who create through technology and have created ideas for railways and highway systems.
Most men do not strive to be a train wreck or can develop technological monoliths. So how does he find meaning without a well -known structure and frame? Complaints don’t work yet, it seems to be the best known and socially acceptable mechanism for most.
What works? Sorting responses with a trusted counselor, a coach, a mentor or a guide. Despite the devaluation of older men (and women) in our culture, a more experienced person can help sort through thoughts and ambitions and help them make progress.
We live in a time when men have a choice of living according to someone else’s rules or making their own choices.
This is time to begin reflection. This is time to seek support, a trusted counselor, an ally, a coach that helps you move the needle in your life. After all, a lifetime is not long.
© The Big Game Hunter, Inc. Asheville, NC 2018, 2022, 2024
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